10 Steps To Relaxing Like A Betch

Plopping your ass down in front of your TV, computer or phone before bed isn't exactly "relaxing". If you truly want to "relax" follow my "Relax Like A Betch" guidelines and then tell me how you feel.

1. Make Sure Your Day Is Finish. Have you ate dinner? Cleaned the kitchen? Done the laundry? Took the dog out? Finished your homework? Returned all phone calls/texts? Make sure your daily duties are finished before starting to wind down.

2. Fluffy and Fresh. Throw a clean towel, wash cloth and clean pajamas into the dryer with a dryer sheet (for softness and scent) to fluff and freshen them up.

3. Eliminate All Stress Causers. For example, chipped nail polish irritates me.If I have chipped nail polish on, I have to take it off before I can truly relax, or else, I see them and I can't stop thinking about how disgusting they look. If you need to shave your legs, wash your hair or maybe clean your bathroom before hand, go ahead and do it while the towels are fluffing. 

4. It's TEA TIME. Make yourself a cup of hot tea. I would recommend Chamomile Tea. It's a good tea for relaxation and it helps you sleep. **Don't Throw The Tea Bag Away**

5. Collect The Candles. Go around the house and find a few candles to use while you take your bath. These will act as the lighting in your bathroom (because the florescent lights..let's be honest..are horrible.) You can go ahead and arrange them around the bathroom however you would prefer and light them. BE CAREFUL not to set them anywhere where you could potentially drape something across one, knock one over, etc. 

6. Run the Water. Start your bath and adjust it to a comfortable temperature to your liking. You may also add any kind of bubbles, salts, beads or fizzers at this time. 

7. All Fluffed Up. Even if the dryer hasn't stopped yet, get the towels and your pajamas out and bring them into your bathroom. If you're OCD, like myself, fold them and arrange the towels next to your tub, with your PJs on the counter.

8. It's Almost Time. Turn the bath off once it's finally done. Throw the used tea bag into the water and allow it to float around during your bath (It will give your water a very clean, calm and relaxing scent). If needed, pull your hair back and get it off your neck and face. If you haven't done so already, turn off the lights and close the door. Put your phone on the counter or leave it in your bedroom. If it's kept in the bathroom with you, silence it to make sure you have no distractions. Set your tea cup on the rim of the bathtub, undress yourself and get in. Practice calm breathing patterns, sip on you tea and simply, R E L A X.

9. All Pruned Up. When you're ready to get out of the tub, dry off with the freshly fluffed towel and put on your clean PJs. Make sure you thoroughly dry yourself to avoid the ever so irritating moment when you stick to your clothes. 

10. Get Out of The Bathroom. Throw your dirty clothes into a hamper, apply your lotion (if needed), blow the candles out, drain the tub and leave the bathroom. It's probably hot in there. Make your way to your bedroom and lay down in your bed. If at all possible, avoid using any electronics before you fall asleep. While your mind is relaxed, using a phone, TV or computer could only mess that up. Lay in the dark, continue your relaxing breathing patterns and allow yourself to fall asleep.

X O X O,

Betch.

Part Two of Whatever Is Going On:

6:40 am and I want to beat my sister in the head. Her alarm is going off, sounding like a fucking train, and she's purposely ignoring it. A little while later, the front desk is calling to wake us up and let us know that we have four minutes.. FOUR minutes.. To get from the 7th floor of the hotel to the lobby, check out and run out of the door and catch the hotel shuttle. We did it though, like a boss. 

The shuttle ride was the most silent, awkward ride of my life with a sneezing stranger behind me. Gross. 

The only issue we really had all day was the fact that our shuttle brought us to the wrong terminal, so we had to figure out how the fuck to get across. We did it, again, like a boss. 

Once we got there, it was Starbies time. It was free. A Venti mistro and a blueberry scone (that I saved for the plane). 

An hour of waiting and I was hungry again.. Breakfast deaux: 

At least it's healthy, though, right? I ended up throwing the apples away. They freaked me out. They were laced with fingerprints. Disgusting. I hate people fingering my fruit. 

The waiting game continued for about another hour. We ended up boarding at 9:55 am.

Our plane wasn't AS tiny as yesterday's, but still, very tiny. 

At least I got a window seat. 

This picture was (obviously) somewhere between Houston and NOLA. It's basically a photo of the end of the world with a creepy path... Or at least that's what I'm going to pretend. 

It's now 11 am exactly and we are landing. Hallelujah!!

Welcome home, betch. 

Xoxo Kate 

Part One of Whatever is Going On:

A new year calls for great new adventures. Whether those adventures are planned or are just obnoxiously random.

People say the first day of a new year reflects how your year will go.. If that's true, 2014 is going to be one wild goose chase for me, and it's blog worthy.

It all started when I woke up at 10 am to the smell of bacon. As I've tweeted recently, "Bacon is good for me". I love the shit. It's like a taste budgasm. Mmm. Blah blah blah, we hung out at dads and then we packed our shit and headed to Kansas City to eat lunch before taking off. We pull into Hollywood Casino (apparently, they have an amazing "must try" buffet), we attempted that, plans fail. My sister wasn't old enough to go through the casino to get to the buffet. So, it was a no go. We get back into the truck and head to a shopping center called "legends". We ended up at this little New Orleans Style restaurant, "Jazz" something or another. Seeing as though I'm from Louisiana, I was judging the place hard. It didn't even come close to comparing to back home. 

After a little lunch and shopping, we headed towards the airport. The temperature outside was quickly dropping and we were now expecting some snow. Didn't mean anything to me at the time because in just a few hours, I would be on a plane to where it's sunny and 65. (Okay, rainy and 60..) 

Da.. Da.. Da... Moving along in the story; we get all checked in, checked our luggage and now it's time to find Starbies, because, traveling without coffee is a sin. 

Cafe mistro with three pumps of peppermint and three pumps of mocha (Thank you, Elle, for the suggestion.. It was perf)

We had a good 20 minutes or so of enjoying our coffee, our last few minutes of visiting with my Dad and step mom and the beautiful, snowy view before heading to security around 5:30pm. 

After security, we pretty much boarded the plane right away. Seriously, getting into this plane was a joke. I felt like I was climbing into a toy plane. It was the runt of all planes. The baby. The Tiny Tim. The Simon Birch of all fucking planes. I kid you not. 

(A good photo of the random guy in 19C)

We finally crawl down the isle and pack ourselves like sardines into our seats.  Looking out of the windows, we knew it couldn't be that great out because the snow was sticking to the ground and piling up pretty quickly.. 

Literally, we sat on the plane for 2 whole hours at the gate before they tell us there was an issue. I'm getting ansty and annoyed and just ready to get the fuck off. This weird ass woman has her hair draped over the back of her seat which is in my face... One guy is clicking his pen over and over and over and someone, somewhere on that plane smelled like deviled eggs and I was literally GAGGING.

 Around 7:30 pm, we were told that there was an issue with the ice and the runway, to remain patient with them. Like, HELLO?! It's been 2 hours. Fucking let me off of the plane. We were literally packed in. SO uncomfortable. But, wait, get this.. ONE MORE hour later, we are deboarded from the plane due to "maintenance" problems. 

Whatever. 

We're off. Finally, I can breathe again. My own air.. 

It's 8:33pm and I'm arguing with the airport idiots about a new flight. After arguing for an hour, we are told there is a plane leaving at 9:50 pm. Somehow, in the mist of all of that, my sister and I receive two $7.00 food vouchers to be used at any food or beverage location in the Kansas City Airport or Houston Airport. 

We board our new plane on time. My favorite thing about boarding was the fact that the little Asian bitch was trying to make us "board alphabetically" and the security guy says "they don't want to do that, let them just board". 

Boom. Betch. 

Back on a tiny ass plane. 

So, boarded at about 9:55ish and due to the plane being icy, we had to go through this salt wash process, almost like a car wash, to get it all off of the plane so the wings could work. We headed up the runway and into the air around 10:30pm... FUCKING FINALLY. I'm exhausted at this point and just want to go to sleep, but I can't. 

This woman slept like a baby, on this baby plane.. Good for her. 

The flight was rough. Too rough. That's all I have to say. 

The little lispy guy comes around with the drink cart and I have myself an orange juice, why not? I'll just pretend there's vodka involved. I already feel sleep deprived and crazy. Meanwhile, I'm slowly falling asleep to vanilla twilight and my phones dying. 

12:17pm rolls around.. HOUSTON BOUND, BABY, HOLLER!! But, the adventure isn't over yet. 

A 30 minute wait in the customer service line to get a hotel and shuttle, a 20 minute wait for the shuttle to arrive to us and another 20 minute drive to the hotel packed in this little bitty shuttle with about 15 others. 

WE MADE IT. It's gross and icky and makes me feel dirty, but it's not a plane and it's not an airport, so I'm not complaining too much right now. 

The room was a lot bigger than I expected, at least. 

Now, the sister and I are getting two hours of shut eye before waking up, and hopefully, not, repeating this again tomorrow. 

Complimentary breakfast is being served at 7, but, I'm not feeling up to creme de la cochroach with a side of flies.

One plane down, one to go. 

Happy new year, betches. 

Xoxo Kate